Fiction characters go on protest

Here we publish letters of fiction characters protesting against the banality of authors, which only our team managed to get to. In them, they lay out their thoughts on their personalities and their roles in the plots they are involved in. Between the lines, we reckon that, if changes do not happen soon, the suffering characters might turn to open rebellion.


Hello. My name is John or something like that. I am going to tell you a bit about myself, although you already know me. I’m the main character in every book. How should I describe myself? Let’s see, I’m not the most handsome, nor the smartest, nor the most talented, and above all not the most interesting or the most remarkable character in this book. I really don’t understand why the author decided that I should be the main character. My only positive quality is that I’m brave, but by no means are many of the other characters less brave than me. It’s not easy being me. You probably know that because you cry for me every day. I always start at the bottom; I’m always in an awful situation; people who don’t like me have power over me and use it to make me suffer; people I love die, usually sacrificing themselves for me, and in any case, for whatever reason, I can’t be with the great love of my life. But don’t worry. I always get better somehow. I can usually defeat about 100 villains with my eyes closed and hands tied without a problem, and if things go really bad someone who is supposed to be on the other side of the world will always show up to bail me out. Despite all this, I don’t undergo any development and by the end of the book I’m neither more remarkable nor a better person. I always win, even though, realistically, that can’t happen; I reunite with the love of my life and the two of us live together in eternal boredom.

Greetings. I’m the awesome secondary character in the books. I’m not writing this letter to claim a starring role. I’m what makes a book go from good to brilliant, because many writers can create a good main storyline, but few can excite readers even with secondary characters. I ask only one thing of authors: that they respect me. First, though, give me enough scenes and enough lines so that I can reveal my full potential. It is very frustrating when I only have a chance to hint at my extraordinariness. Second, it’s clear that I’m too awesome to survive to the end, but give me a chance to die with dignity and, if my image suggests it, as a hero. I deserve that. And if you’ve created me but can’t come up with a storyline worthy of me, better don’t put me in, it’s beneath me.

Hi there. We are a group of people, victims of a serial killer in an isolated location. We want to express our outrage and bewilderment at the authors who write about us. It’s not realistic that we are that stupid. It doesn’t matter if we are 5 to 1, 8 to 1, 12 to 1, and in some cases 30 to 1, the killer always manages to outsmart us all. We make the same mistakes over and over again. For a long time, we think the killer is someone who looks suspicious, or someone we have evidence against, not taking into account the fact that such a person has neither the mentality, nor the coolness, nor the intellect to do these murders. None of us are good psychologists. Besides, at some point, one of us always decides that now is the time to walk alone in the woods. The others go off to rescue him, and so we end up in even more trouble. When we reunite (that’s our favorite part) one of us always says authoritatively and backed up with a solid argument the sentence “We should split up.” And we do. Our other problem is that we are so much the same in every book: the main character (usually a cop), the main woman, the old woman, the creepy guy who becomes the hero, the weirdo, the sexy chick, the nerdy guy, etc. We’re so tired of each other already. So we urge the authors, “Please include a new and moving character at last.”Otherwise, it’s also pretty clear from the start who stands a chance of surviving: the leading man, the leading woman (the more boring they are, the better their chances), and the kid. The rest of us feel very screwed.

Hellooo. My name is Woman with a capital W. I’m present in every book, and I’m usually one the main characters. I’m extremely insecure, unconfident, and, honestly, that makes perfect sense since there’s nothing remarkable about me. I have an extreme need for a man by my side, and when I find him, I instantly lose all dignity and drag myself at his feet. Yet somehow I quickly find myself in a love triangle and can never decide which of the two I want, even though it is abundantly clear to readers from the first page of the book. It gets worse after that. One of the characters with significance or power falls for me and I start to think myself important. Finally my boredom totally gets the better of him and it all ends well. And the most wonderful thing of all is that women all over the world dream of being like me and start imitating me.

Hello. I’m the bad guy. For one, I can’t complain because I’m always so much more interesting and so much deeper than the good guys. On the other, though, I’m still a complete nobody. I’m always bad to an unrealistic degree and have no values. I don’t do evil in the name of something meaningful, but with the oh-so-great motive of power. I am incapable of love. I think that if I were, just the good character would really have no chance against me anymore. One of my good traits is that I’m always super-intelligent. Always, except in the last scene when everything gets resolved. Then I exhibit mega-stupidity and lose the war. I don’t know how that happens every time.

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